Little boy none

 

  For several years he had been accustom to an every day ritual which by no means leaves him in a state of pure contentment.  From birth and up to this moment he had been living on a day to day basis with no outlook into his own future. He had made no aspirations and no goals which would set him apart from everyone else. For too long has he wondered what will become of his life.

  Spending every single moment of life on a minute to minute basis, wondering who he is, and where he will be,  lead him into a void in which no escape seemed possible. Instead of taking action, He did the complete opposite – inaction.

  Of this life, which he chose to live, he had not succeeded in anything because he had chosen not to apply himself in a way that puts him in a position to succeed nor to fail. What could have gone wrong? For someone to not succeed nor to fail, is the worse possible outcome in life because it does not leave room for experience. At least people who fail, have that experience to look back on, learn from, pick themselves up and use that experience to better their lives. For someone that doesn’t have neither experience in failure nor success, has nothing in their lives to compare to. Therefore they start at the beginning, like an infant. The only difference here is that the infant has an excuse and a whole lifetime to build upon. A man however, has no excuse and time certainly is not on his side.

  Sitting idle, watching everyone around him grow, succeed and become something, is what he’s done for all his life. People years younger, graduating with degree’s, moving on to better things is what he see’s, as he sits idle, wondering what to do with his life. By this time, he himself should have been one of those people. He himself should have something to count for; a well paying career, exotic vacations, a home, a family, a life. Instead, he just sits idle, watching everyone around him pass through, while he ponders upon his life, and what is to come of it.

  From early childhood, school was the least of things on his mind, it was just another event in his life that he did not care much for. It wasn’t because he did not like school, nor was it because he liked it. His decision to or not to go to school was merely based on how he felt that day. There was no catalyst in the equation for his decisions it was just pure, simple spontaneous decisions.

  What exactly prompted him to fall in love with a flame at his young age? Was there something exhilarating about dropping a match into a garbage bin? or to spark a flame in a little crop, resulting in acres of a field to resemble the pits of hell? What prompted this child to cause damage to vehicles, to houses, to pick up smoking and drinking when not even out of grade five? Certainly there has to be some underlying reason for him to take an axe to another child a year or two younger than him, or to grab another by the throat hoisting the body up off it’s feet against the wall and dropping the teary eyed child to the ground.

  Surely these actions these, decisions had to come from somewhere. But as he later looks back on life, he realizes that there was nothing it was a reaction at the time a decision based merely on spontaneity. No feelings, no remorse.

  Being taken from his home from child services and tossed around from foster home to foster home became his life and it was just another event that was thrown in his path. Something he deemed as fait, something taking control of his life because he had none, nor did he care, and at the time, this knowledge was non-existent. This child just took it as it came and he went with the flow to see where his life would lead. Perhaps this child thought, that this was supposed to happen, this is what always happens and there is nothing that could have been done but to ride with it.

  Foster families were nothing to him and he was nothing to the foster families. He did not experience love, companionship or the feeling of being wanted. He did not experience the feelings of remorse, regret or hatred. He lived as a puppet with fait as his puppeteer.

  Back in school, it was no different, sitting in class, doing what he thought he was supposed to do. Teachers gave out lessons and he jotted the work down. He was presented with relationships, and he accepted the invitation because he thought that is what life had for him, that is what he was supposed to do regardless of his own thoughts, which were empty. Forced into Christianity by one family, he was, regardless of what he wanted, but it was just something else he submitted to. Perhaps God had plans, if there was a even a God. Perhaps God could tell him what to do. Perhaps God had an answer? No. Not in the least bit. There was no God just a priest dressed up in white, with several young alter boys. Just a priest who liked to put his hand on little boys laps. What was this priests intentions? Nothing became of it and the boy did not care. The boy had no feelings.

A few years later, on a Sunday, he decided to pretend to be sick. Off everyone left to their fantasy of a better life, a fantasy of a promised after-life of everything good. And while they all sit at the alter listening to a priests sermon, the boy at home, faking sick wondered what it would be like to hang himself. Being very young, he had no idea how to attempt it so he lashed together some gimp and attempted what he thought was the act of suicide. It’s not known for sure if there were any underlying, excruciating circumstances leading to this act,  but it was, again, just something this boy felt like doing at the time. When unsuccessful, he only shrugged his shoulders and climbed back into bed, to try and sleep and dream of something other than his own mediocrity life.

This boy, who was now 12, went on with his usual journey, trying to fit in with the rest, trying to find where he fits into life. Still had very few friends, if any at all, and rather to be alone, for it was his shell that kept him safe.

There wasn’t much happening at this time in his life, though thoughts of escape crossed his mind a lot. He would go to bed and lay still, eye’s closed, fixating on the blackness that consumed him. It reminded him of his life; Empty and alone. It was a place where nothing could bother him. A place of nothingness. However, despite repeating this ritual, it still did not satisfy his urge to escape. He met a girl, presumably a few years older than he, whom he shared his thoughts and beliefs. She understood, she sympathized, but this he was used to and did not quite believe. Despite this, there was a little sigh of relief just for the sake of someone listening, someone trustworthy. She told this boy about a place no one knew about, a place where no one could go, she had the secret and the guide to his quest. She explained to him what this place was and how to get there, then handed him a book. The boy was intrigued as he stared at the glossy cover, reading it’s title. As he quickly flipped through the pages, a glimmer of hope ensued his empty hallow . This just may be the answer he was looking for. Excited was he to hurry and open the door to this unknown world.

From every night then on, he followed the guide word for word. He concentrated, and practiced, but to no avail, did he find that world that he was looking for. Yet, for some reason, he continued forward, for it was the hope that drove this craving and he wanted to become part of this unknown.