Most of the time I seem to be occupied in thought. Lost in a world of dispare. I think of where I came from, where I am, and what may become of me. I am finding it harder and harder to make any commitment, to make the tinniest of decision.
I look around me trying to make sense of everything, but the world seems static and at the same time routine. I think to myself, why is that building there? Why are people doing certain things at certain times over and over again like a record skipping, endlessly in a loop? Why do people get up everyday and go to work just to make money to pay bills and purchase items that only temporarly satisfies them? Why do people commit four years of their lives, if not more, being educated? What is the point of having anything at all? Anything and everything we do in our daily lives is only a means of distraction from reality.
That reality is that life always comes to an end. Everything we have experienced, everything we have worked for comes to an end. What is the point of it all? We don’t take anything with us when we die, so why bother at all? Happiness? come on lets face it. Happiness is like anything else; temporary. Then the routine starts over to find something that will continue to make us happy, however there are so many variables in ones life that no one ever acheives permanent happiness. Why exist at all? exist to die? That is a pointless reason to live. Life itself is one big gimmick. What would happen if people actually accepted their fate and tossed out all the distractions? Well, the world would probably become sparse very quickly, but who cares? Life is going to end.
I walk around my path that i’ve set for myself. My own routine I follow unconciously and habitually, looking for any reason at all to keep me from my own fate. I see none. I try to find my own happiness and where I fit into this world, I see none. I try copying that which I see others do and it does not validate itself. I reach for something that I want but realise it will only be temporary. It does not matter what I do, what I buy or what I find, in the end, I come to a realization that none of it means a thing.
Despite all this, there is a little program running within us all that prevents us from early termination. The act of survival. With a few exceptions we all seem to want to survive. We will avoid at all costs dangers which we see as a threat to our lives. Why? Why is our survival so important? Since it is our lives that are at stake, this importance doesn’t benifit us. So who does it benifit? It sure doesn’t benefit the lives which we leave behind because they all follow the same fate.
Each day, I wake up just wanting to roll back over and escape from this thing we call reality. My dreams have more meaning than my waking life. They are more interesting. Why can I not sleep forever? Will a handful of pills do the trick? or will some asshole pump my stomache and charge his little paddles to bring me back to my own hell, only to end up back where I am now, living a life which has no meaning, which has no importance, and which has no benefit.
I drop my head to my arm, visioning acts which I commit, but know it’s something I cannot do because of my habitual routines. This little program in my head that just won’t stop running, is keeping me from the inevitable. It pushes me to do the same things over and over again with no reason given.
I think of living a life of excitment, of danger, and of adrenalyn rushes. What IF I could live the life in the military with all it’s fire power? Drilling bullets through the soft torso of another human being? I will go and rob people of their posessions. Maybe I will commit acts which steal the dignity from my victims. Will any of this satisify my need for purpose?
Perhaps if I just walk into a forest and leave myself be, it will all come into place. Then I see that even with those, through honesty or curruption of my own being, it all still does not play any significant role. It all ends when I end and it is all just a distraction.
It just does not matter whether I live a currupt life, or if I live an honest one. It all comes to an end.
It’s all just a distraction.
I need self freedom.
